A Star Trek fanfiction told in the style of a sit com. Jupiter Cafe follows four singles living on Jupiter Station as they navigate their careers, their passions, and interspecies romance.
INT. JUPITER CAFE - DAYTIME
(Four people sit in Jupiter Cafe, a quaint coffee shop on Jupiter Station's promenade: GINA, a young human woman wearing a Jupiter Cafe apron; VEZI, a Bajoran woman; CH'TREC, a half-Klingon/half-Human woman; and EVE ONE, a feminine android who looks a model lower than Lieutenant Data. They are all frustratedly trying to explain something to Eve One)
GINA: No, no, no, your name is Eve.
EVE ONE: Yes, Eve One.
VEZI: No, just Eve.
EVE ONE: (nodding) Eve One.
GINA: Look, we all have names that don't have number designations in them (pointing at her friends as she introduces them) Gina Jones, Vezi Nala, Ch'Trec Bergeka—
EVE ONE: (pointing to herself) — and Eve One!
CH'TREC: (shouting and BANGING the table) Just Eve!
GINA: Hey! If you break another one of my tables, you'll never have blood wine here again.
CH'TREC: But —
GINA: We're here to help, Eve.
CH'TREC: (swears under her breath in Klingon)
GINA: Look, Eve, your designation of One was great. But you're exploring your humanity now. I mean, I hired you to work here at Jupiter Cafe, you have a group of friends, and we all thought you would appreciate having a real name.
EVE ONE: Yes, Eve One is my real name. It is a good name for an android like myself.
VEZI: Other androids have real names.
CH'TREK: Like Lieutenant Data!
GINA: And Lore!
EVE ONE: But those were Soong-type androids, and Doctor Noonian Soong was a stupid-face hack who smelled like fecal matter.
VEZI: Come on, you two should know better than to mention Soong-type androids.
GINA: Who programs an android to insult Doctor Soong?
EVE ONE: It was important to my creator that I spread the truth about that potato face sack of mashed potatoes. And not the delicious kind, either.
GINA: It just makes so sense when your grammar subroutines are so underdeveloped.
(An ANGRY YELL comes from the other side of the promenade. The four women look over and see LIEUTENANT LAUREK, a handsome young Vulcan engineer, yelling at ENSIGN KAREN WILDER, a Human Engineer)
LAUREK: Well, gee, Karen! I guess I didn't factor in the warp field or . . . whatever . . . Karen. It's not like I'm the chief of Engineering, Karen. Did you think about that, KAREN?
(the two of them stare at each other, until Karen bursts into tears and runs away SOBBING)
GINA: Lieutenant Laurek always says he controls his Vulcan emotions so well. Yeah, right. After an outburst like that, I think everyone knows what a jerk he is.
CH'TREC: I think he might be all pon'farred up.
EVE ONE: Pon'farred?
CH'TREC: Yeah. He has some pon farr in his pants.
EVE ONE: "Some" pon farr?
GINA: What is pon farr?
CH'TREC: I was reading up on it for my application to Starfleet. It's when Vulcans are . . . well, there's not actually a lot of information on it, which is why I'm not really sure how to use it in a sentence . . . but there's something about being horny and running around punching people.
GINA: Well, the pon farr —
(Laurek walks over to the four women)
EVEN ONE: — the pon farr —
GINA: — it proves that Vulcans aren't as perfect as they pretend to be.
LAUREK: (pointing to Gina) koon-ut-so'lik. I choose you to be my mate.
(The four women stand at the counter whispering while Laurek paces behind them)
GINA: Okay, what just happened?
CH'TREC: He just asked you to marry him.
(a CIVILIAN bumps into Laurek. It's an innocent mistake, but Laurek loses his temper, and a brawl ensues until Laurek chases the civilian offscreen)
GINA: But we hate each other! He makes me so angry, and I make him so . . . logically not liking me and stuff.
VEZI: You two seem civil enough.
GINA: Oh, no.
(Gina is getting ready to serve some coffee. Laurek sneaks up behind her with a pad. When Gina turns, she spills the hot coffee all over herself)
LAUREK: I'd like a —
GINA: Ah! Laurek, I told you to stop surprising me like that!
LAUREK: Vulcans do not get surprised.
GINA: I'm not a Vulcan.
LAUREK: A keen and logical observation.
GINA: Well, I'll have you know that this is the shirt my mother bought me right before she died, and now it's ruined.
LAUREK: I believe you are lying in an attempt to elicit an emotional response from me.
GINA: Dammit, you got me you son of a —
(The four friends are still standing, but Laurek's missing in the background)
VEZI: Was the blouse a gift from your mother, though?
GINA: No, my mother left me when I was a small child.
(Unseen by the four women, a SECURITY OFFICER runs in the background, closely followed by a SCREAMING Laurek until they both run offscreen)
VEZI: Awwww . . . I'm so sorry.
GINA: See! That's how a normal person reacts!
EVE ONE: Gina's mother lives on Deep Space Nine.
CH'TREK: Still, I think the fact you talked to him was flirtatious in his opinion.
VEZI: That's true. Most people just avoid talking to him.
GINA: So what? Now I can't even talk to Laurek without him wanting to marry me?
(Laurek runs across the screen SCREAMING with phaser fire behind him)
VEZI: Yeah. Obviously.
EVE ONE: Am I not supposed to talk to people?
CH'TREC: You are, but we should stay the pon farr out of this.
EVE ONE: The —
(Eve One stares forward, her systems powering down)
VEZI: Are those —
CH'TREC: Her grammar subroutines are shot.
VEZI: (to Ch'trec) Well, that's it, you've got to take her to get fixed.
CH'TREC: I've got to?
VEZI: It'll look good on your Starfleet admittance essay if you take care of her.
GINA: Well, I'll just have to turn Laurek down gently.
CH'TREC: (picking Eve One up in a fireman's carry) We're not on you anymore.
(Gina rolls her eyes and goes towards Laurek. Out of nowhere he barrels into her, and knocks her to the ground. Gina has a bloody lip, and Laurek stares deep into her eyes. Laurek takes his first two fingers and slowly reaches them out of Gina, hoping she'll touch his back)
GINA: Yeah, I'm going to sickbay . . .
VEZI: And I'll watch Jupiter Cafe!
(Gina GROANS, then slaps Laurek's fingers away as SECURITY OFFICERS pull him away)
INT. SICKBAY - DAYTIME
(Gina sits on the biobed with a fat and bloody lip, while DOCTOR ATABEM CHO runs a triquarter over Gina's head. Doctor Cho is an older Betazoid woman, who nods when her scans are finished)
DOCTOR CHO: You have medical clearance for sexual intercourse with a Vulcan.
GINA: I'm here about my lip!
DOCTOR CHO: Oooohhhhhhhhh . . . (gets a dermal regenerator and starts healing Gina's face) I just thought because he asked you to marry him —
GINA: How did you know about that?
DOCTOR CHO: You were just thinking about it.
GINA: Stop reading my mind. I don't like that.
DOCTOR CHO: Right. Non-Betazoids don't like that . . .
GINA: Good. Just fix my lip so I can get out of here and turn him down gently.
DOCTOR CHO: Turn him down?
GINA: Yes, I hate him, and I have no idea why he wants —
DOCTOR CHO: But you two have affection for each other.
GINA: What? No. No. No, we don't.
DOCTOR CHO: Really?
DOCTOR CHO: Then what about that time at Jupiter Cafe?
INT. JUPITER CAFE - FLASHBACK
(Immediately after Laurek spills coffee on Gina, he takes off the outer layer of his Starfleet uniform and hands it to her like a football jacket)
GINA: Don't you need this for your shift?
LAUREK: I spilled coffee on you, it seems like a logical trade that you wear this jacket to stay warm and hide the stain.
GINA: (tenderly) Thank you . . .
LAUREK: . . . you're welcome . . .
(for a moment, it looks like the two are going to kiss, until Laurek pulls his first two fingers obnoxiously close to Gina's face. His Vulcan type of intimacy ruins the moment for Gina)
INT. SICKBAY - PRESENT
GINA: How did you know about that?
DOCTOR CHO: Everybody knows about that.
INT. JUPITER CAFE - FLASHBACK
(as Laurek wags his fingers closer to Gina's face, she pulls back. The two are oblivious that Jupiter Cafe is full of PATRONS staring at the two of them)
PATRON: Am I going to get my coffee anytime soon?
(Gina slaps Laurek's fingers away from her face)
GINA: Get your fingers out of my face.
PATRON (cont'd): I'll take that as a no.
INT. SICKBAY - PRESENT
GINA: Oh no . . . I LIKE LAUREK!
DOCTOR CHO: Obviously!
GINA: Why didn't you tell me?
DOCTOR CHO: It's in your head!
GINA: What am I going to say to him?
DOCTOR CHO: Tell him that you have medical clearance for sexual intercourse with a Vulcan.
GINA: Why would I tell him that?
DOCTOR CHO: He's a Vulcan.
GINA: Right, Vulcans find medical clearance sexy.
DOCTOR CHO: Exactly.
GINA: I know what I need to do.
DOCTOR CHO: You're right, you should go to security where he's being held and confess your feelings, and possibly have sexual intercourse in the holding —
GINA: Stop reading my mind!
INT. JUPITER CAFE - PRESENT
(Vezi walks through Jupiter Cafe with several bottles of synth ale, which she distributes to the tables)
PATRON: Excuse me, I ordered coffee . . .
VEZI: That is coffee.
PATRON: It's synth ale.
(Vezi walks away)
PATRON: This is the worst cafe.
INT. ROBOTICS LAB - DAYTIME
(Eve One lies down on a table while TOM MARCELLO, a Starfleet human in his mid-60s who walks around the table doing various scans on her)
CH'TREC: How's Eve doing?
CH'TREC: We decided to give her a real name.
MARCELLO: It has a name: One.
CH'TREC: Gina wants to give her a name for when she's working at Jupiter Cafe.
MARCELLO: Ah, and Eve was it's new designation?
CH'TREC: Name. Eve is her name.
MARCELLO: Well, I'll have it fixed in an hour, but from now on you should work to control your grammar when it's around you.
CH'TREC: Couldn't you just strengthen her grammar subroutines so she can handle more complex sentence structures?
MARCELLO: Its program isn't sophisticated enough.
CH'TREC: But it's sophisticated enough she can insult Soong-type androids?
EVE ONE: Doctor Soong is a butthead.
CH'TREC: She can insult Soong even if she's unconscious?
EVE ONE: Soong's androids are not even that sophisticated.
MARCELLO: It was important to its creator that it always be capable of insulting he-who-must-not-be-named.
CH'TREC: Surely some of that petty rivalry can be rerouted to her grammar subroutines.
MARCELLO: You'd think, but it's been integrated deeply into its systems.
CH'TREC: Surely, you can do something to help her communicate better with people on the station. She's just started discovering her humanity, and it'd be silly if grammar subroutines got in the way every time she got close!
MARCELLO: It doesn't need to communicate better.
CH'TREC: You've been calling her an "it" the entire time we're here.
MARCELLO: Because it's an android, it's not your friend. It's not "exploring its humanity." You and your friends should stop tampering with its program and just let me ship it to ore processing already.
(Ch'Trec punches Marcello in the face)
INT. BRIG - DAYTIME
(Laurek sits in his holding cell, meditating. Gina enters and stops to look at him)
GINA: You're looking calm.
LAUREK: After getting into a fight with a random person on the promenade, I know now I should better control my emotions.
GINA: Through meditating?
LAUREK: Meditating, and taking periodic breaks to "scream into the void" as it were.
GINA: Ah. So you are going through this pon farr, huh?
LAUREK: Vulcans do not like to speak about the pon farr.
GINA: But you will?
LAUREK: Certainly, as many Vulcans before me have done. I just had to do the ritualistic protests to make it seem like you've forced me into it.
GINA: Great. So what is it?
LAUREK: Give me a moment.
(Laurek walks away and SCREAMS for about ten seconds. He returns and continues as if nothing happened)
LAUREK: Every seven years, Vulcans get an intense desire to mate. It is difficult to control our emotions. There are only three ways to end it: having sexual intercourse, getting into ritualistic battle, or even sometimes meditating works.
GINA: So it's just about sex?
GINA: But you asked me to marry you . . .
LAUREK: I have an arranged marriage back home that is off if I sleep with a human. Therefore, I require a backup marriage.
GINA: So marriage to me is just a matter of practicality?
LAUREK: It is logical.
GINA: Wait . . . so you're not just looking for sex, you're ditching your fiancee?
GINA: I'm pretty sure your family's going to hate me if you do that.
LAUREK: I have thought of that.
LAUREK: Vulcans do not feel hate. Just intense disapproval.
GINA: I don't like the idea of disapproval, either.
LAUREK: Then you will only have to endure it for a year.
GINA: A year?
LAUREK: Yes, after our marriage, we will go to Vulcan and spend a year with my family. No doubt it will be unpleasant because of their disapproval, and your strange emotions will make you an outcast.
GINA: At least it's only a year . . .
LAUREK: After the year is finished, we will have three children before your reproductive system starts to shut down.
LAUREK: Few enough children we can adequately give attention and nurture them, but many enough we have spares to carry our genetic lineage should anything happen. Tragedy and death and whatnot.
GINA: That is so heartless.
LAUREK: It is logical.
GINA: Well, I'm not going to teach my children logic like that.
LAUREK: I have thought of that, too. We will have children late enough you will most likely pass away before they are too old for me to undo your emotional damage.
GINA: So your child rearing plans factor in my demise?
LAUREK: It's not so much a plan as a logical course of action.
GINA: You know, maybe it would be best if you went back to Vulcan and mated with your fiancee.
LAUREK: One moment please.
(walks away and SCREAMS for about ten seconds. He returns and continues as if nothing happened)
LAUREK (cont'd): I would like most to mate with you.
GINA: Why? That doesn't seem logical, does it?
INSERT --- slow motion interactions between Laurek and Gina.
LAUREK: No . . . I suppose it isn't logical.
(Gina leaves. Slowly, Laurek lifts his two fingers up and gently touches them to the force field keeping him in his holding cell)
CH'TREC (offscreen): You royally messed that one up.
(Ch'trek is in the holding cell next to Laurek, who YELLS in surprise)
LAUREK: Ah! You . . . surprised . . . me.
CH'TREK: I thought Vulcans don't get surprised.
LAUREK: We don't usually. It must be the pon farr.
CH'TREK: Right. That thing. What are you going to do about Gina?
LAUREK: She has stated her lack of interest. I will return to Vulcan and be with my . . . assigned mate.
CH'TREK: That's very logical, but is it what you want?
LAUREK: Leaving is as Gina wants.
CH'TREK: I dunno. She came here open to learning about pon farr. Maybe you'd have a future with her if you stopped being so logical.
LAUREK: I'm a Vulcan. We are logical. Always.
CH'TREK: Then what are you going to do about the pon farr?
LAUREK: I have not decided yet.
(long, awkward pause)
CH'TREK: Do you need a moment to scream into the void?
(Laurek SCREAMS again, then comes back)
CH'TREK: You know, Laurek . . . life is a complete mess, full of logic, emotion, and moments of violence that get you thrown in the brig. But, if you're lucky, you find a way to funnel all that chaos into someone you believe in. Someone you can love.
LAUREK: That's beautiful.
CH'TREK: It'd better be. Think if I tell that to the Chief of Security he'll let me out sooner for punching Marcello?
LAUREK: Marcello is an unpleasant, rude, resentful man. I don't think you'll have any problems getting out of here.
CH'TREK: I like you. We should hang out more.
LAUREK: Koon-ut-so —
CH'TREK: Sorry. No. I'm just not into you at all. You're just . . . not feminine enough for me.
LAUREK: It was worth the attempt.
(they both LAUGH, although Laurek's is a little more reserved and awkward)
CH'TREK: For what it's worth, I think Gina's worth a better attempt than you gave her earlier.
(Laurek nods in silent agreement)
INT. JUPITER CAFE - DAYTIME
(Gina returns to find several DRUNK PATRONS in her cafe, and Vezi standing at the counter reading a pad)
GINA: It seems as if someone turned my coffee shop into a bar. Again.
VEZI: I will gladly watch your cafe in between reading romantic novel passages, but you know I don't know the difference between all the different drinks you serve.
(a MOTHER approaches Vezi and Gina with her YOUNG CHILD in tow)
MOTHER: Excuse me, could I get a chocolate milk for my child?
(without even looking, Vezi passes the mother some synth ale. The mother eyes it, then walks away)
GINA: Okay, obviously you knew that was wrong.
VEZI: What mother brings her child into a bar like this?
GINA: Cafe. I run a cafe.
VEZI: Oooooohhhhhh . . . I mean, in my defence, it was hard to tell with all the drunk people here.
GINA: You're the one who got them drunk!
CH'TREK: Bloodwine, please.
(Vezi hands Ch'trek a bottle of bloodwine. She starts drinking directly from the bottle)
GINA: You can't give a child chocolate milk, you can give Ch'trek bloodwine?
VEZI: I may not be a barista, but I have priorities with my education.
CH'TREK: (finishing the bottle) Thank you. (puts it down on the table and it smashes)
GINA: Ch'trek, we talked about this.
(Gina starts cleaning)
CH'TREK: It's been a stressful day. I was put in the brig.
GINA: You were in the brig?
GINA: Oh, really, that's cool . . . I guess . . . so, you wouldn't by any chance have —
CH'TREK: I heard everything between you and Laurek.
GINA: I hate that man so much more now.
VEZI: Wait, what were you doing in the brig? What about Eve?
CH'TREK: I don't know if she's coming back.
VEZI: What did you do?
CH'TREK: I didn't do anything. (muttering) Except punch Marcello in the face.
VEZI: What's that?
CH'TREK: I punched Marcello in the face! Okay! My Klingon temper got the best of me, and I attacked the only person on the station who could fix Eve. Happy?
GINA: No! Why would that make me happy?
CH'TREK: He was just saying such mean things about Eve. That she was an "it" who belonged in ore processing instead of exploring her humanity. Okay? It made me angry.
GINA: You were defending her honour?
CH'TREK: Well, Marcello might not see it that way. He might just send her to the mines anyway. I just didn't like her being called an "It."
GINA: I know. Luckily, Marcello appears to have forgiven you.
VEZI: That or he's scared of you.
(Marcello approaches with Eve One. He is sporting a black eye)
MARCELLO: Your latest toy, Eve.
EVE ONE: Eve One. Not Eve. I do not like Eve.
CH'TREK: Thank you for returning her.
MARCELLO: You made a compelling argument. With your fists.
GINA: Your Klingon temper came in handy. We got Eve back.
EVE ONE: Eve one.
VEZI: No, just Eve.
CH'TREK: Wait. I was thinking about how Marcello called her an "it," and how infuriating it was when he didn't use the proper pronouns. Now . . . I don't think she doesn't understand, I think she's correcting us. I think we should call her whatever name she wants. Eve One.
GINA: Okay. Eve One it is.
EVE ONE: Wait . . . I get to decide what I'm called?
CH'TREK: Yeah. Part of exploring your sentience is figuring out who you are. Do you like the name Eve One?
EVE ONE: I like the name Eve One. But . . . do I also get to choose my own pronouns?
CH'TREK: We'll . . . we'll use whichever pronouns you want us to use.
EVE ONE: Okay. Because I do not like being referred to as "she." It does not feel right. Is there a pronoun for when you're not a woman, not a man, but also not an object?
EVE ONE: I would like "they/them" pronouns, please.
GINA: Okay, Eve One. Pronouns they/them.
EVE ONE: I like that very much.
PATRON: Excuse me, may I have a synth ale?
(Eve One passes a synth ale to the patron)
PATRON: Finally, a server who knows what they're doing.
(Eve One smiles beautifully, as Vezi pours four glasses of synth ale)
CH'TREK: Knows what they're doing.
EVE ONE: I am happy. Could a Soong-type android smile like this?
(Vezi passes the glasses around)
VEZI: No, you are better. Let's have a toast. To Hell with Soong!
EVERYONE: To Hell with Soong!
(they clink their glasses together, and everyone but Eve One takes a drink. When everyone else is finished, Eve One passes their glass to Ch'trek, who finishes a second glass)
(the four friends sit around their table talking)
GINA: As I understand it, Laurek will go back to Vulcan to be with his bride to be.
CH'TREK: He has other alternatives, though.
VEZI: Right. That one where he has to ritualistically fight has potential. We could place bets on who would win.
GINA: Oh, yeah, I'm sure there's a long lineup of people who want to punch Laurek out.
CH'TREK: You wouldn't just do it yourself?
GINA: It wouldn't seem fair to take that spot from someone else. You know, like from people who have to work with him. They just seem so much more deserving.
(Laurek sneaks up behind Gina)
LAUREK: Excuse me, may I —
(Gina screams in surprise)
GINA: We've been over this.
LAUREK: My apologies. I wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier. The pon farr affected my behaviour in ways I realise were . . . inappropriate.
GINA: Well, congratulations on your wedding.
VEZI: When are you leaving for Vulcan?
LAUREK: I am not leaving for Vulcan. I have called off my arranged marriage.
EVE ONE: What about your pon farr?
LAUREK: The doctor has helped me find an alternative, which ended the pon farr and will help me pursue a meaningful relationship in the future using logic, and . . . kindness.
GINA: Well, that's good.
LAUREK: I will talk to you, soon.
(Laurek walks away to the other side of the promenade. Gina smiles)
VEZI: Doctor Cho really came through, huh?
CH'TREK: Wait . . . he never said it was Doctor Cho.
VEZI: She's the only doctor on the ship.
CH'TREK: Or . . . Doctor Zimmerman, the holo engineer?
EVE ONE: How would a holographic engineer . . . ohhhhhhhh.
CH'TREK: Your boyfriend may have sexed a hologram.
GINA: He's not my boyfriend.
(Gina looks over to the other side of the promenade, where Laurek is fixing a control panel)
DOCTOR CHO (offscreen): You're right, either way he broke off his arranged marriage because he wants to be with you. That is pretty romantic.
(turns around to see Doctor Cho standing behind her)
GINA: Stop reading my mind!
CH'TREK: Don't be upset with her. You don't need to be a Betazoid to know that's what you were thinking.
(the three friends laugh at Gina)
Coming soon: Episode 2
Gina underestimates how strong Kanaar is when Cardassians from Central Command come to visit Jupiter Station. Will her actions from the blacked-out night before start a war between the Federation and Cardassia?